50th Birthday party

For my 50th birthday party, my wife and my mom hired a band. Unknown to me, my wife brought my banjo to the party. 2 things happened: 1) I got to play my banjo with a real band!
2) There is a reason I don't play my banjo with a real band. But I enjoyed it.

One of my former neighbors(Who is 80) looked at me and said: "If you are going to do something important, you had better hurry up."

This email is from my Uncle Glen, my mother's only brother.

Dear LeeAnne,

Thanks for the opportunity to participate in Glen’s 50th Birthday! I can’t believe that it was 50 years ago that I found out that I had a namesake!

Some of our similarities and differences are listed below:

Similarities:

- We are both OLD!
- We both are not what you call in this day and age BUFF!
- We were both tall and skinny at one time!
- We are both in awe of BO SMITH’s accomplishments!
- We are both LEFT handed!
- We are both afraid of ANN!

Differences:

- I have much more HAIR!
- He believes in a LARGE family
- He has more BROTHERS and SISTERS!
- He has to listen to ANN, I don’t!
- He is afraid of LEEANNE, I am not!


Glen, I am proud of your accomplishments and your family. I wish you the best in your senior years to come.

Love,
Uncle Glen

My brother sent me the following email with questions. I replied with my answers.

Hey, do you live on 7050 NE Hassalo St?
NO, I live on 13542+8 SE Mill St

When you stretch in morning can you avoid pulling a muscle?
NO, I need to pull a muscle - no push, no pull - no get out of bed .

Can you still outrun your boys in a race across a football field?
If I can't, I will find other ways to beat them. - Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Can you read the newspaper without using your glasses?
No - but as far as The Oregonian is concerned - No news is good news.

Would you rather go out instead of spending a quiet evening at home?
No, It is cheaper to stay home.

Do young kids at church call you by your first name?
Depends on whether I scare them or not.

Have you ever accidentally dropped a hammer on someone's head?
Yes - it WAS an accident.

If the answer to all of the above questions is "No" then you must be 50!!!!!!

Daughters and Dating

After his sermon, I corrected our preacher when he said this: “And I asked Glen Aus what he wants for Christmas and Glen replied, “That my daughter will never date”.

This is incorrect. If she does not date, she will live with us for the rest of our natural life. But because she has three older brothers, she is free to date as long as the other three go along. A driver and two body guards; what more can a dad ask for? I told this to Rebekah and she said “Dad!” Then I explained to her that people joke about things that really frighten them.

Yes, I do want my daughter to date. And I want her to get married. But every person with grown children knows exactly what my fears are. Because it comes down to relationship. Will he treat her well? Will she get along with his family? Will he get along with us? Will they keep close ties with the family? Will he take her away and never come back?

And God feels the same way about us. Long before we were all born, God sent his only Son to die on a cross so that we can have a relationship with him. Will we treat Jesus well? Will we get along with the church family? Will we walk away and never come back?

My wife and I have already decided what kind of in-laws we want to be. Have you decided what kind of Christian you want to be?

Bumper Sticker humor

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged.

She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.